Female Ejaculation (FE) aka “squirting,” or “gushing” has been the center of a great deal of controversy over the past decades. Despite ancient regard and recognition of female ejaculation by many philosophers and cultures such as Hippocrates and Aristotle or the Taoist tradition, centuries later the world is debating its existence. Some even argue that it is in fact only urine. Few studies have been done with no definitive answer on what the fluid is, its source and whether it has any connection to female orgasm at all. This confusion, along with a legacy of Freudian beliefs towards female sexual incompetence, a culture which represses female sexuality through ridiculous measures such as Australia and Britain’s ban on FE in pornography, as well as a lack of adequate education regarding female bodies, results in women’s internal shame towards their sexual abilities. Many women have found themselves at the doctor’s office after experiencing FE – which is crazy enough on its own – but to make matters even worse, were diagnosed with Urinary Stress Incontinence! All these factors have caused a great deal of humiliation and embarrassment to those individuals who do experience female ejaculation and has continued to be a source of shame and repression in female’s perception and agency towards their own sexuality.
I, unfortunately, have been in the same boat. Despite my continuous and rigorous journey of learning to love myself and my body, especially my vulva, through believing and practicing sexpositivity and empowerment, reading Cunt over and over again, and claiming my sexuality by giving myself earth-shattering orgasms every chance I get (definitely recommended), I still felt disgusting, dirty and sick the first time I squirted, and… to some degrees – on my less confident days – still do today. Now don’t get me wrong, it always feels amazing when it happens! I do not want to stop! But afterwards, looking down at the kind of scene I’ve caused… all those negative feelings come right back. My first time squirting in front of my partner was a whole different story.
Despite how mind-blowing it felt, I was so embarrassed afterwards that all I wanted to do was hide and not face her again. I ended up crying out of shame, and in turn feeling embarrassed for crying during sex. Thankfully, my partner was completely understanding and consolidated me with sincere love and affection. Although it did not put an end to my negative feelings regarding ejaculation, I slowly learned to accept and embrace this aspect of my sexuality.
Writing this story has not been easy, but I know that there are many of you out there who probably share a similar experience. Here is to all of you beautiful pearls who have gone through the same or are currently feeling some type of way about your body like I still sometimes do: you are a badass with an extraordinary body! There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are lucky to be able to experience this pure pleasure and orgasm. All of that being said, I do agree that sometimes dealing with the “mess” can be a turnoff, but do not let that come in between you and your sexy time. I’m including a few tips on how to love your squirting and minimize all concerns about the “mess”. If it’s really a big deal to you and you wouldn’t mind spending some money, below is a list of helpful options from the most cost friendly to least for you to consider:
- Use Towels / Old blankets – Towels or older blankets can be found at most households and are very cheap to buy. Using them is very helpful because they are easy to wash and prevent your sheets from getting wet (if that’s not something you’re into).
- Blue Absorbent Pads – These pads can be found at any local drugstore (CVS, Walgreens, etc.) and are relatively very cheap. You can find them as cheap as $3.00.
- Fascinator Throe – These luxury, usually velvet textured, blankets are specifically designed to absorb fluids during sexual activity. However, they are pretty pricey. Most are about $80.00.
- Kink Rubber Sex Sheet – Coming in different brands, these sheets feel like actual rubber and are waterproof. At the same time, they are comfortable enough to sleep on! They are usually more than $100 to 120.
If you are scared that it’s pee, it is not! To rid yourself of all concerns about possibly peeing on your partner go to the restroom and urinate before engaging in a sexual act that may end up in you ejaculating! The fluid does contain a similar substance that is found in urine, and at times contains a very small percentage of urine. Depending on different factors such as when the last time you urinated was, those levels can be higher or lower. Seeing that you are able to ejaculate with a just emptied bladder, may give you reassurance and less anxiety while you’re enjoying your sexual experience. But really, it’s important for you to realize that there is nothing wrong with ejaculating, it is just a different form of orgasm and will result in a great deal of pleasure!
Until next month!
I was born in Tehran, the capital city of the Islamic Republic of Iran. I grew up in a multi-textured and layered habitat with very strong binary oppositions. I went to all girl schools (as we were all supposed to) and started wearing the Hijab when I turned nine, as it was required by law. There were some things that were not talked about within my family and society at large—sex was the most adamant. This naturally led to a very sexually repressive environment especially for girls. Sexual orientation is something I had never heard of or knew existed until I moved to California with my family at the end of my middle school years. Being an immigrant Iranian woman in the United States has been one of the most, if not the most, challenging experiences of my life. Over the past few years I have worked very hard on first finding myself, then accepting myself, and finally loving myself. Most importantly I have learned how to define myself for myself, despite all contrasting identities and values that I am supposed to be or abide by.
I am currently a college student studying sociology with an interest specifically in the intersection of gender, sexuality, race and class. I am here to write about the things that I am not supposed to think about, let alone talk about, being who I am. I am here to talk about sex, about pure, utter pleasure and how it feels to own that pleasure. I am here to talk about being queer, super fucking queer, while having immigrant parents. I am writing to feel free, and to maybe, hopefully make you feel a little, just a little, more free too. I am also here to talk about the darker, more difficult parts of this world including the hardships, doubts and questioning; as well as issues that I still struggle with or get angry about. I think it is absolutely important to open up the doors and to talk about sex, to talk about sexuality and what we want and who we are because it is such a vital part of our existence that is too often hushed or ignored. “Love is as love does.” By discussing these issue we create acceptance and we create love—for ourselves internally and for the world we reside in.
I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity. I cannot wait to start! I will be posting articles the last Friday of every month!
Until next month,
Growing up in a religious Catholic family, there weren’t a lot of conversations about consent and sexual activity. In fact, the only conversation about sex at all was a one-note repeat: DON’T. When I hit puberty, my mom stuck a sticker on the bathroom mirror: “8 Ways to Say No to Sex”. The list included such gems as “just walk away” (whaaa?) and “change the subject”; actions that would guarantee no second date, since your companion would clearly think you were nuts. (I spent a lot of time in high school hoping none of my visiting friends would need to use our bathroom.)
The message was clear at my Catholic school as well: nice girls don’t. There was no space for good, sexy feelings; no acknowledgement of your agency to explore your own body; and always the sense that it was up to the girls in the room to, as we were once memorably told, “keep our knees together.” All conversations about consent between us and The Boys were to end one way: with a firm NO. (In this universe, of course, same-sex sex wasn’t even acknowledged.)
This brings me, in a roundabout way, to the whole idea of enthusiastic consent, and why I wish it had been there in that impoverished, crappy little Catholic school when I was learning about the wide world of adult sexual life. Enthusiastic consent is the concept that you do not move ahead with initiating sexual activity while waiting for a potential sexual partner to say “no” — rather, you pause, seek an enthusiastic “yes!” and respect that anything less means the activity in question is off the table.
Would this idea have actually made a difference to me, growing up in my little hometown? My friend, it would have made ALL the difference. It starts with the revolutionary thought that sexual activity is something to actually be ENJOYED, rather than endured (question to the nuns: if you keep telling girls that sex is something they endure, how can they even tell if they are consenting or not?). Enthusiastic consent includes the notion that sex is something created in the moment between happily consenting adults. It’s not an atomic bomb dropped onto your ever-vulnerable female “reputation”, nor is it a dreaded but necessary task for producing the next generation of miserable, guilt-riddled adults. It’s something you create right then, between you. Which is another reason it would have rocked my teenage world: the idea that sex isn’t something that girls give, and boys take, but rather an activity between equals, brought into being at that moment by each of your desires, needs, likes and dislikes. It’s not a one-time exchange of goods: you don’t hand sex over to the other person. You make it together.
My dear, I am here to tell you that this idea has magic in it. It has the potential to revolutionize how many, many people look at sex, and look at potential sexual partners. The world needs this. Won’t you do your part to bring sex out of the shadows and into the sunshine? I hope for your enthusiastic “Yes!”
How much have you heard about sexual assault prevention here on the UC Berkeley campus? Other than protecting yourself, do you know how to handle a situation that just feels off? If you are like me, the chances are that the only time someone has address the topic of sexual assault here on campus was when you had to complete the EmpowerU requirement your first semester in Berkeley. Now how many students can honestly say that they paid attention to the whole presentation and can reiterate the information?
My thoughts regarding the current state of sexual assault prevention efforts on campus is that there is a lot more that can be done. It feels like the students only hear of sexual assault when it is already too late and someone close to them or themselves have been affected. Do the students understand which resources and the process of a sexual assault case go through here on campus? I know the resources on campus but it’s sad to hear that the majority of students are not that lucky. I would like to see more efforts done to prevent sexual assault. I understand that April is sexual assault month but how many know this?
Both of my experience with EmpowerU were informative and beneficial. Not only did I relearn the steps to prevent sexual assault for myself but for others. The workshops still has the same effect on me even though it has been little over a year. The videos used throughout the presentation are impacting and explicit show the signs of someone in trouble. The other videos shows how anyone can be affected by sexual assault and it empowers others to speak out for there are others who can relate.
The EmpowerU video will impact the campus positively for the video will be available for anyone to review and access. We are living in a technology based society, where social medias are spreading messages and information. Social medias reach more students faster and also has the benefit of reaching other people in the world. The new EmpowerU video has the capacity to inform various students on sexual assault and how to take the necessary steps to prevent this from happening.
One thing that I personally will do to prevent sexual assaults is by spreading the word. I will making myself available for anyone that wishes to talk and I can also host workshops at the resident halls as part of spreading the word. By participation in events throughout the month of April where I can ask others to join me in bring awareness on the issues that surround us. To create a safe community where the sexual assault can be addressed and resources provided will be the best way to spread the word among our society. Together we can bring power to our voices.
“Lustful” Lucero, UC Berkeley SEXpert
Ladies if you are going to be sexually active you cannot rely on the guys to use condoms, you need to protect yourself and be proactive about your health and body. Use birth control, use condoms when having sex. Don’t chance your future because you think it won’t happen to you.
Men will come into your life; they will charm and romance you till that romantic night happens that you have been waiting for. He doesn’t have a condom, but you want to please him and frankly you want to have sex too. He tells you, “we don’t have too” but you want to please him and honestly you want it also. The moment when it happens you are so happy and you feel completely safe in his arms. The kisses are more passionate and the movement between your body and his feels likes magic. As your breathing gets heavy, and you’re close to climax you look into his eyes and he’s looking right back at you. Giving you the sweetest kiss he leans into your ear and whispers “I really like you”. That’s when you think he will never hurt me, he cares for me. Lying in his arms after, you look at him and he smiles and gives you a kiss. No words need to be said because you both know how each other feels.
Being a busy college student you realize you haven’t seen him for about two weeks. But you’re not too worried because he has two jobs and doesn’t have a lot of free time. Another week goes by and you don’t even realize that three weeks have come and passed, and you missed your period. You aren’t too concerned because you’re sometimes late. A couple of more days go by and to be on the safe side you make an appointment with the gynecologist the next day. Tomorrow comes and your nerves are going crazy, you are so incredibly nervous. Your name gets called and you lie down on the table with your feet in the stirrups and the exam begins. The doctor starts the sonogram and all of a sudden she says congratulations you are having a baby. You are so shocked and scared that you are numb, you feel no emotions. Lying there realizing that you are pregnant; a baby is inside of you growing. The only thing you are sure of is that the father is the guy you are head over heels for.
With this news you want to tell him right away and see how he feels about everything. Calling him you realize you have no clue what to say, but that’s okay because you know he cares about you. After you tell him, he is silent, and then all hell breaks loose. He asks if it is even his because you are a big slut and you could have cheated on him. Crying you tell him no it’s yours, I would never do that to you. Then it’s “I never liked you, I just used you for sex” and “I wish I never meet you.” Sobbing you ask him why is he doing this and he doesn’t respond. A minute or so of silence and he says “we were never together and we aren’t now either” and he hangs up. Falling to the ground you can’t believe what just happened, you are heartbroken and pregnant; all because you didn’t protect yourself.
Guest blogger: Tina Masoudi
San Ramon valley College Human Sexuality Class student spring 2013