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Jun 29

International Kissing Day

Posted on Sunday, June 29, 2014 in UC Berkeley

Ms. Robin, Sex Goddess logoDid you know there was a day dedicated to enjoying the pleasure of a kiss? July 6th is International Kissing Day! International kissing day started in the United Kingdom and since spread throughout the world to become known as World Kissing Day to some.

One of my most memorable kisses happened when I was 17 years old. I went on a date with a guy who used to send letters to me through my cousin. At the end of our date he asked if he could kiss me. I hesitantly consented – I’d had a good time and was not sure if a kiss would somehow lessen the experience – and I was glad I did. My date gently put his hands around my waist, pulled me into him and softly kissed my forehead. It was the sweetest kiss I’d ever had. I was smitten and we dated for the next several years.

It’s true when they say there’s a lot in a kiss. You may realize that you have great chemistry with someone you’ve known forever, yet never thought of in a romantic or sexual way, by simply kissing them. You just may discover that your friend is beasty and just what you need. Or it may be that you think you’re attracted to someone until you kiss them and you feel about as much as you would had you been kissing a fish. Either way, a kiss can tell you a lot about how you feel about someone.

In its most basic form kissing is the act of pressing your lips to someone else’s body, often times on the lips as well. Notice I did not say which lips as both are certainly kissable. That’s one of the best things about a kiss; it can be planted anywhere on the body with enthusiastic consent, of course. Though there are many different types of kisses they tend to fall into 1 of 2 categories:

ss intl kissing day1)      The often simple, closed mouth kiss. Can be done on any part of the body. May signify different things depending on where you plant this type of kiss. It can be an innocent peck on the cheek, a sweet kiss on the forehead, or a gentle and sensual kiss on the lips. In some cultures, people greet one another with a simple kiss on the cheek.

2)      The more involved, open mouth kiss. Often done on the mouth, genitals, or anus, yet may be done on any part of the body as well. However, when done on the mouth there may be an exchange of saliva. This type of kiss is commonly referred to as French, TV, or tongue kissing. Other fun names include swapping spit, tongue tango or wrestling. These kinds of kisses may be deeply passionate, just for fun, or somewhere in between.

Kissing is a nice way to show love and affection. It can be a prelude to something more. Kissing can be done to enhance sexual experiences. Kissing is a great way to build and maintain intimacy in romantic and sexual relationships. When you kiss someone, regardless of whom it is you are sending a message that you trust them to a certain extent. You trust them enough to allow them into your personal space during a time that you are likely to have your guard down. Wow, that says a lot!

If there’s a special someone you’ve been hoping and wanting to kiss, International Kissing Day is the perfect excuse to push yourself to do it, with consent, of course. Here are 5 sweet tips for your next kissing debut:

  1. Think positive and plan ahead by using some sort of lip moisturizer. This will help to ensure that your lips are not chapped and cracked when the time comes.
  2. If you’re going for an open mouth kiss, it’s a good idea to make sure your breath is fresh. The person you’re kissing will likely appreciate it.
  3. Take a sip of something, preferably water, to wet your mouth and tongue. There’s nothing worse than getting dry mouth just before the first kiss.
  4. When that moment finally does come relax yourself and your lips before pursing them. You want your lips to be soft when they touch your partner.
  5. Do what feels natural as far as closing your eyes or keeping them open. You’d be amazed how often I’m actually asked about this.

Keep in mind that hugs go great with kisses and both are free! I can’t forget to mention that kissing feels fantastic! Happy kissing. Until next time…

Keep it safe and sexy,

Ms. Robin, the Sex Goddess

Have a topic or question you’d like me to address in a future Sexy Saturdays article? Send it to me at RMills@sexucation.org.

Jun 25

UC Berkeley Students Respond to Catholic Parents Guide to Sex Ed

Posted on Wednesday, June 25, 2014 in UC Berkeley

Ms. Robin, Sex Goddess logoI’ve mentioned a time or two that I am on a sex ed exhibit committee at UC Berkeley. Myself and a handful of library professionals are planning an awesome exhibition on the history of sex (mis)education in the United States. While collecting items for the exhibition we came across A Catholic Parent’s Guide to Sex Education (Guide) by Dr. Audrey Kelly. The Guide was published in 1962 a time when views of sex, sexuality, and women’s rights were beginning to be viewed through a lens of free love and reproductive freedom for women.  Even for today, this Guide was comprehensive covering what parents should tell their children about puberty and coming of age issues, dating, relationships, sex at various ages including sex for early and late starters, and marriage.

One of my fellow committee members was thumbing through the book for images – which there are none – when she noticed that students had gotten rather engaged with the text in the form of marginations. “Margination” is the term librarians use to describe writing in the margins of books. Who knew there was an actual term for that?…With so much margination my colleague could not help but read a few aloud to us. I found this to be super interesting. Call me a nosy nerd, but the fact that students felt so compelled to respond to this book and so often peaked my interest. I had to know what else was being said and in response to what.

I borrowed the book to satisfy my curiosity.  I found writings in the margins of several pages. They start on the very first page. Even on the last page of the book, which isn’t even a full page, there were comments. Only in the glossary and index do the comments cease. All in all there are a total of 43 comments made in the margins.  Most of the comments are made in response to sexist or heteronormative content in the book. In addition to commenting students also wrote questions to the author, other readers, and even to themselves which they answered, interestingly.  I counted a total of 10 questions. Though I am not a hand-writing expert, there appears to be at least 4 different students who respond.

My favorite comment comes on the opening page of the book where one student writes “[t]his is one of the most self contradictory, hypocritical, sexist, fucked up and misinforming, distorted books I’ve EVER read – barring some Moonie material perhaps.” This particular student wanted to be sure that each and every person who so much as opened this book was aware of their opinion on this book. While a bit harsh this comment captures the essence of all the other comments in the book.

Catholic guide marginationsMy second favorite side comment was made in regards to something the author wrote about women when attempting to explain how best to raise young men. In the “Late Adolescence” chapter Dr. Kelly, writes “[b]oys, firstly, should be taught to regard women as the weaker sex; despite their many protestations of equality…” to which someone responded in the margins “you aint heard nuthin’ yet.”  I love it! I will reserve my initial comments as they are clearly inappropriate.

One of my other favorite comments was made by a student who discloses via side comments that he or she was a late starter and did not experience a sexual debut until their early 20s. In the chapter “For Late Starters,” the author discusses how embarrassing it can be for a child to receive “instruction upon sexual matters” at a later age.  Apparently the student was in agreement with the author on this and commented “that’s what my stupid mother did.” I fell out laughing! This chapter comes near the end of the book and after reading all of the comments in the book, I just couldn’t help but laugh when I got to this one as I felt I had gotten to know that particular student commented fairly well.

For a book that has been checked out 31 times from May 27, 1963 through April 9, 2003, 43 side comments or “marginations” seem to be a lot.  No other book that we have come across seems to be have elicited as much call and response from the readers. Such comments speak to UC Berkeley students’ acceptance and support of equal rights for men, women, transgender folks, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and heterosexuals. It is more interesting to me that all of these comments were being made years before same-sex marriage was legalized in CA. I wish I knew exactly when the comments were made and by whom. I imagine those early students who felt compelled to respond were likely among those who gave this campus the image and reputation of being a place where you are accepted for who you are regardless of your beliefs.

This PRIDE season, if you are looking for a good laugh and interesting read consider checking out The Catholic Parent’s Guide to Sex Education, oh wait, we have it checked out until April for the sex ed exhibition. Guess you’ll have to come to the exhibition or wait until April to laugh your butt off at the content and comments. Until next time…

Keep it safe and sexy,

Ms. Robin, the Sex Goddess

Have a topic or question you’d like me to address in a future Sexy Saturdays article? Send it to me at RMills@sexucation.org.

Jun 24

Betrayed by Your Penis

Posted on Tuesday, June 24, 2014 in News Release

Ms. Robin, Sex Goddess logoI’ve completed one full year of health and wellness coaching appointments as of this month! Congratulations to me. However, in light of June being Men’s Health Awareness Month – this article is about the most common sexual health related issue that young men have come to see me about: Erectile Dysfunction, or ED. More often than not young men come to my office reporting some sort of difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection to ejaculation or orgasm.

When I get a little deeper into the conversation with students who come to see me for erection concerns they are often embarrassed and think they are the only person on campus experiencing difficulty achieving erections. Rest assured you are not alone! According to the National Institutes of Health, approximately 5% of all erectile dysfunction cases are in young men ages 20 -39. Shocking, right?

You would think ED is something that only happened to older men, certainly not young college men. However, regardless of age if your sexual response cycle is interrupted it may result in a flaccid or soft penis. There are 3 things – or steps if you will – that must happen for a man to achieve and maintain an erection through orgasm and ejaculation. The first step is sexual desire. Do you have the desire to be sexual? Let’s assume that many of the young men at UC Berkeley do possess such desire. When sexual desire is present and something arouses that desire it needs to be communicated. As such, the brain communicates your sexual desire to your genitals. This communication step will activate an increase in the flow of blood to the penis. Lastly, blood vessels in the penis have to relax to allow the excess blood to flow in causing an erection. Anything that interrupts this cycle may cause your penis not to become erect.

While some issues of ED are due to a medical reason some of the more common factors interrupting the sexual response cycle in my experience with students at UC Berkeley include:

  • Stress (academic, personal, and future) – stress often has a negative impact on many areas of health – sex drive and function included. As you may be aware, UC Berkeley is a rather challenging and competitive academic institution. It makes perfect sense that your penis may not want to get and stay hard when you’ve got a big exam to study for.
  • Mixed or ambiguous messages about relationships, sex, and/or intimacy during childhood – Many of the students I meet often disclose some sort of difficulty reconciling messages regarding when to have and with whom it is okay to have sex received from multiple and varied sources. Parents tend to have a very different message than friends, peers, or what is shown in the media.  For example, if your parents raised you to believe that sex should only happen within the context of marriage or a committed relationship, it may be hard (no pun intended) to achieve an erection with someone you do not have any feelings for.  Students describe this to me as being betrayed by their bodies.
  • Alcohol – alcohol tends to be a recurring factor. Though young people use alcohol to help navigate social interactions, it is actually a depressant. Think of it this way, too much alcohol and your penis may get depressed so to speak…

What can you do if you are a young male experiencing difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection? Try masturbating. If you are able to achieve and maintain an erection to orgasm or ejaculation your penis issue is likely mental and not medical. You just have to find out what is making your penis a little shy then give it a confidence booster.  Here are 5 quick suggestions:

  1. If you find that you are able to get hard to masturbate try simulating the same rhythm and motion with your partner.
  2. Consider adding fantasy to your sexual tool box. Fantasies help stimulate sexual arousal. The good thing about fantasies is no one knows you’re doing it or what you’re fantasizing about.
  3. Only have sex when you are ready to do so AND with someone you feel comfortable with. Insane, I know! You do NOT have to have sex just because you think other people are.  Sex within the context of a healthy relationship or with someone you care for is likely to increase the likelihood of your penis getting hard when you want it to. This is due in large part to communication within the context of relationships and friendships.
  4. Give yourself permission NOT to have sexual intercourse, but rather to have a good enjoyable time with others.  This will help eliminate pressure to perform sexually. There are many other intimate experiences you can have such as a PG-13 or NC17 make-out session, or exploring your partner’s body with your mouth or hands, for example.  If sex does happen, well you got even more lucky! This tip is especially helpful during periods of high stress that may increase the likelihood of your penis not becoming erect when you want it to.
  5. Don’t have sex under the influence of alcohol. Doing this will allow you to experience every pleasurable sensation while increasing the chance that your penis will get and remain erect.

If you are a UC Berkeley student and would like more tips and suggestions for increasing the chances that your penis will get hard when you’re ready for sex, feel free to schedule a health and wellness coaching appointment at the Tang Center. If you are not a UC Berkeley student feel free to email me for additional tips and suggestions. Until next time…

Keep it safe and sexy,

Ms. Robin, the Sex Goddess

Have a topic or question you’d like me to address in a future Sexy Saturdays article? Send it to me at RMills@sexucation.org.

Jun 10

Rape Aggression Defense (RAD) Instructor Training: Sex Goddess Experience

Posted on Tuesday, June 10, 2014 in News Release

Ms. Robin, Sex Goddess logoI just recently completed Rape Aggression Defense (RAD) Instructor Training! The experience was amazing though also thrilling and terrifying at times. RAD is basic physical defense for women. After completing this training, I think all women should consider taking the RADs basic physical defense training. Don’t let the word “basic” in the title fool you – this training is educational and incredibly empowering.

RAD is an internationally respected program and is the only self-defense program endorsed by the International Association of Law Enforcement Administrators (IACLEA).  In an effort to protect the intellectual property of RAD Systems as well as not to disclose options to a would-be rapist, I am going to focus more on my experience rather than the specifics of the RAD Systems program.

RAD Instructor training was an overall amazing experience.  I was in a co-ed class of approximately 15 people. While the focus of RAD systems is on self-defense options for women, there are some male identified instructors. There were several awesome men in my RAD Instructor cohort. The other lovely people in the cohort come from all walks of life including UC Berkeley students, staff, community members and campus police from various UC and CSU campuses.

Robin in RAD simulation gear

Ms. Robin Sex Goddess in simulation gear

At one point in the training, we went through simulation. Simulation was both thrilling and terrifying. Going into simulation I was scared, I’m not going to lie. As such, I volunteered to be one of the first few people to go – I wanted to get it over with. As my name was called each time I would feel nervous and anxious. Therefore I set my fight or flight response to “fight” regardless of the situation.

It did not help that just prior to simulation I had been practicing with an awesome young woman. Unfortunately for me she was a rugby-player and nearly twice my size. I was not very successful in early attempts to defend myself against her.  That kind of played with my mind.

Following simulation I felt empowered and with all that adrenaline rushing, I wanted to do it again…That was until they had us watch the simulation video the next day.  Although I was only watching, the feelings I had felt before simulation came rushing back. Only this time they were more overwhelming. Watching myself in various situations was just as terrifying, even though I knew I was going to get away. I found myself fighting back tears while watching the simulation video. Simulation for the men was simply terrifying and empowering – even to observe. That’s all I have to say about that.

RAD logoThis intense training took place over 30 hours in a 3-day time period. Each day was long and physically challenging. Though my body was sore for the next 2 days, RAD Instructor training was so worth it! As a certified RAD instructor I am charged with the objective “to develop and enhance the options of self defense, so they may become viable considerations to the woman who is attacked” (Lawrence Nadeau, RAD Systems Founder). I can’t imagine a better instructional objective. I’m glad to be joining a group of awesome RAD Instructors on the UC Berkeley campus as well as to possibly offer these classes to young women in Richmond! Not only did I gain new skills that may save a woman’s life one day – maybe even my own- I gained awesome new colleagues to add to my network as well as a few friends. Until next time…

 

Keep it safe and sexy,

Ms. Robin, the Sex Goddess

Have a topic or question you’d like me to address in a future Sexy Saturdays article? Send it to me at RMills@sexucation.org.

 

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