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Feb 1

Keepin’ It Safe and Sexy in February: A dedication to Black men

Posted on Saturday, February 1, 2014 in Sexy Saturdays

Ms. Robin, Sex Goddess logoIt’s February! This month is jam-packed with National condom Month/Week/Day, Valentine’s Day, and Presidents ’ Day, Singles Awareness Day, Black History Month, and more all in one! With so much going on, this month is a lot like me – short and busy! Given the focuses of the month – I am dedicating this article to Black men and to the women and men who love having sex with them.

Though I love me some Black men, as a Black woman and sexologist, I am always intrigued when I have an opportunity to observe grown Black men put condoms on incorrectly, especially the one’s who have children. I’ve observed this in workshop settings as well as during personal encounters. There’s nothing more unsexy than a grown man who cannot put condoms on. To prevent future laughable experiences here’s a few suggestions:

  1. Have your preferred condom easily accessible. It’s a good idea to try on different condom sizes, materials, and textures in advance so you know you’ll have a comfortable fitting condom for your sexy experience. For the record, not all Black men need or should use Magnum condoms. I’m just saying…
  2. Tell your partner what you’d like to do with them or have done to you using said condom. After getting or giving consent you’re ready to move on.
  3. Check the expiration date on the package of the condom. Most people don’t drink spoiled milk, using the same logic; you should not use an expired condom.
  4. Pillow test the package by placing it between your pointer finger and thumb. Gently squeeze the package making sure there’s air in the package. If there is no air get a new condom as that one has been compromised and may have rips and tears. wpid-CAM00996.jpg
  5. Slide the condom to one side of the package and carefully open the package using both hands NOT your teeth.
  6. Remove the condom from the package and sit it on your finger. With the condom on your finger try to unroll it approximately .5 inch. If it unrolls, you’re good to go on to the next step. If it doesn’t unroll, flip the condom over so that it does. Until you can visually determine the correct way to unroll a condom, it is important that you do not unroll the condom directly onto a penis as it may have started to pre-ejaculate. Pre-ejaculatory fluid or pre-cum, may have sperm or microorganism that may cause sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
  7. Remove the condom from your finger and flip it over so that the tip is pointing down. Put 1-2 drops of water based or silicone based lube in the tip of the condom. Doing this will increase sensations for you. That’s right, you’ll feel more. More than 1-2 drops may cause the condom to slip off during the experience.
  8. With the lube in the tip, pinch the tip of the condom and roll it onto an erect penis. This step is crucial as the tip is where ejaculate will be captured. If there’s no room in the tip the ejaculate may burst right through the condom.
  9. Put as much water or silicone based lube as you’d like on the outside of the condom. This will increase sensations for you and your partner as well as increase the durability of your condom making it less likely to break.
  10. Enjoy sex.
  11. After ejaculating, before you go limp, pull out of whatever orifice you were lucky enough to penetrate. Be sure to hold the condom while removing it from the hole.
  12. Remove the condom from the penis and tie it in a knot. Run the used and knotted condom through your fingers to check for any leaks or breakage that may have happened during the experience.
  13. If there are no rips and tears, wrap the used condom in tissue and throw it in the garbage. If there are rips you and your partner should get tested for STIs in about 2 weeks. If your partner was female, she should consider taking the morning after pill within the next 72-120 hours.
  14. Thank your partner for a safer and sexy experience.

While this article is dedicated to Black men, the information is great for men and women of all races/ethnicities, cultures, and sexual orientations. In other words, if you’re having sex, this information applies to you. Until next Saturday…

Keep it safe and sexy,

Ms. Robin, the Sex Goddess

Have a topic or question you’d like me to address in a future Sexy Saturdays article? Send it to me at RMills@sexucation.org.

 

Aug 17

Safer Sex Plan for Going back to School

Posted on Saturday, August 17, 2013 in Sexy Saturdays

I remember my school days. Getting ready to go back was somewhat of a ritual. It started with shopping for the hottest clothes with shoes to match. I’d have my nails done the weekend before school started so they’d be fresh. The night before the first day I’d set aside my outfit and make my final hair decision. Year after year I did this. It was great. I had a clear plan for going back to school and I made all necessary preparations to successfully execute my plan. When I started having sexual experiences I employed a similar idea with my safer sex practices – always have a clear plan and come prepared. In that way going back to school is a lot like practicing safer sex.

From time to time I’ve had to revise both plans. My back to school plan had to be revised annually based on the latest fashion trend and my personal swag at the time. My safer sex plan has been through several revisions. As I fully plan to continue dating and having sex my safer sex plan is sure to have more revisions. More often than not my safer sex plan revisions are tied to my relationship status.

When I’m in a relationship my safer sex plan is usually to discuss with my partner any sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and share our safer sex beliefs. Then together we make a plan to prevent STIs and unintended pregnancy during the relationship. I’m usually on some sort of hormonal birth control therefore most of the talk is about how to prevent infections. A few go to options are to use condoms, get tested for STIs together, and agree to be monogamous. I generally request all three. However, I’m open to the occasional other. Preparation for this plan involves scheduling appointments for testing and communicating with my partner. Both good ideas when I’m single as well. In a few relationships the plan was not to use condoms for STI prevention but rather to get tested together and trust each other to be exclusively monogamous; and trust my birth control to prevent pregnancy. This plan works best when both partners truly are monogamous. I’m just saying. Preparing for this plan is easy, maintaining it is a different story.

My safer sex plan when I’m single – which I am right now – is the one I’m more familiar with. This plan is quite simple – be prepared at all times! I carry condoms in my purse every day, everywhere I go just in case I get that loving feeling. I even have a couple of cases to carry my condoms in to keep them fresh and handy. One looks like a makeup compact with a mirror and hidden compartment. The other is simple and fits in my back pocket. My carriers fit 2 condoms making it easy for me to provide size options.

While I’m no longer practicing my back to school ritual, I still stick to my safer sex plan. If you or any young person you know is hoping to be sexually active this year, consider adding a safer sex plan to your back to school ritual. Keep it safe and sexy this school year. Until next Saturday…

Ms. Robin, the Sex Goddess

May 4

Rape Lyrics: Rick Ross Isn’t the Only One

Posted on Saturday, May 4, 2013 in Sexy Saturdays

Ms. Robin, Sex Goddess LogoWelcome to another Sexy Saturday! I moved last weekend and spent this past week cleaning out my old place. To make things go faster, I listened to a variety of music stations. Some stations I listened to live while others I listened to through my “I <3 radio” app. I had about 7 go to, hip-hop and R&B stations. Apparently I had a trigger song as well. Every time this song came on that was my queue to change the station. This must be a popular song because I changed stations a lot. The song is How Many Drinks by R&B artist, Miguel. I know some of you are thinking “Oh, that’s my song!” That’s fine, the song has a great beat, but I encourage you to listen more closely to the words the next time you hear the song.

In the first verse of this song, Miguel is already heading in the wrong direction when he sings “frustration watching you dance, invitation to get in them pants.” Just because someone is dancing in such a way that turns you on does not in any way mean that person wants to have sex with you. Dancing is just dancing and should not be taken as an invitation to do anything more. The chorus opens with him being honest about the fact that he “aint leavin’ alone.” Well, gee, thanks for your honesty. A few short lines later heSS18 Miguel article asks “how many drinks would it take for you to leave with me?”  Wow! Really? Where is Miguel from? I certainly hope he’s not from California because it’s illegal to get people drunk and have sex with them as you imply here in your song lyrics. In California that is considered rape.

From there the song gets rude and condescending. But it has a slow and sexy beat so some may not notice the lyrics. If they do, maybe they aren’t thinking about what the lyrics mean.  That’s what I have to tell myself because clearly Miguel went to the club with the idea of finding someone to take home for sexual purposes. Instead of relying on his personality and good looks, he chooses to ply the person with drinks until they “decide” to go home with him. I’ve never seen him – is he not that good looking?

As you can see, this song really irks me. People were so upset with Rick Ross over his song where he raps about drugging females and having sex with them that he lost his Reebok endorsement. Well, Miguel’s song is the exact same thing. Only his drug of choice was alcohol. By the amount of times I had to change stations because of this song, I can only imagine that it is quickly climbing the music charts. I’m not defending Rick Ross, I think Miguel, Webbie and a few others who’ve rapped or sang about raping people should be treated similarly and have endorsements taken away. No one should be rewarded for bad behavior. However, people apparently use alcohol as a tool to obtain sex so regularly that few others have recognized this song as contributing to rape culture. But rather listen, and dance whenever it is played.

I’m not calling for a boycott of anyone’s music. Listen, dance, hell sing a long if you feel so inclined. I do, however, think it’d be freaking awesome if people would listen more closely to some of the popular song lyrics and think about the impact the messages have. I’m just saying. Until next Saturday…

Keep it safe ‘n sexy,

Ms. Robin, the Sex Goddess

Have a topic or question you’d like me to address in a future Sexy Saturdays article? Send it to me at RMills@sexucation.org.

Apr 27

The Never Ending Infection

Posted on Saturday, April 27, 2013 in Sexy Saturdays, UC Berkeley

Ms. Robin, Sex Goddess LogoThis is the last Sexy Saturdays article for STD Awareness Month! Today, I’m writing about one of the most common viral infections among college age populations.  If you’re thinking HIV, think again. Herpes infects more than 775,000 people each year in the US. Did you know there are 2 types of herpes associated with sexual experiences? Herpes simplex virus (HSV) -1 is commonly referred to as oral herpes, while HSV-2 is often referred to as genital herpes. But make no mistake, you can get either of these types of herpes on or in your mouth, genitals, cervix, and/or anus.

What’s up with this super common infection? Like Chlamydia and gonorrhea, herpes is often asymptomatic (without visible symptoms) and goes unnoticed in many infected persons. When symptoms are present they look different. HSV-1 symptoms present as cold sores.  HSV-2 symptoms are usually in the form of lesions. While symptoms may go away on their own or with antiviral treatment, herpes reserves its right to resurface or recur. It is more likely to exercise this right to recur during times when your immune system is weakened. Recurrent symptoms may include fever, headache, and tingling sensation with both HSV-1SS 17 HSV 1 and HSV-2. Initial outbreaks tend to be worse than recurring outbreaks.

If you have a cold sore you have herpes. If you get a cold sore in the future you will have herpes for the rest of your life. When I say this in workshops no doubt someone says “that can’t be true. I’ve had cold sores all my life. How did I get it?” Herpes simplex virus 1 and 2 is transmitted through direct contact with infected mucous membranes, lesions, genital or oral secretions, or infected skin. Transmission through infected skin is during an asymptomatic period of shedding. If you’ve had cold sores for as long as you can remember it is likely that you contracted herpes as a baby, or child. Maybe you were so cute that someone with herpes felt the need to kiss you. Though this person may not have been having an active outbreak at that time, they were able to transmit HSV-1 when they kissed you.  Lucky you! I’m just playing. I know, it sucks – and not in a good way – that you have herpes and didn’t even get to experience any sexual pleasure to get it. Just for the record, don’t even consider asking to kiss my super cute daughter.  It’s nothing personal, well, yes it is.

ss17 herpesOne of the most intriguing aspects of herpes is that if a person with oral herpes, HSV-1, performs oral sex on someone they can give that person oral herpes on their genitals or anus. If you don’t like cold sores on your mouth, just imagine having them on your genitals. It also works the other way too. If someone performs oral sex on someone infected with genital herpes, they can get HSV-2 on/in their mouth.  

If you think you may have herpes, it is best to let your primary medical doctor examine you during an outbreak. However, some providers and clinics have the ability to diagnose herpes through blood tests when no visible symptoms are present. Some providers and clinics may also be able to DNA type test your herpes to see which type you have, if any.

How do you get rid of herpes? You don’t! However, there are antiviral medications that may suppress herpes resulting in a decreased amount of outbreaks. Daily use of such treatments may also reduce your risk of transmitting herpes to your partners. The good news is that outbreaks tend to decrease over time even without suppressive treatment.  Given that herpes is not curable, it would be better to prevent transmission in the first place.  Because herpes may not be covered with traditional condoms, I suggest using insertive condoms for penis to vagina or anus sex with an infected partner, or partner whose status you don’t know as they cover a larger area. Dental dams are a great way to prevent transmission during mouth to vulva or anus sex. Last but not least, traditional condoms can help prevent herpes transmission during mouth to penis sex.  Until next Saturday…

Keep it safe ‘n sexy,

Ms. Robin, the Sex Goddess

Have a topic or question you’d like me to address in a future Sexy Saturdays article? Send it to me at RMills@sexucation.org.

Apr 20

More Than You Bargained For: Chlamydia and Gonorrhea

Posted on Saturday, April 20, 2013 in Sexy Saturdays, UC Berkeley

Ms. Robin, Sex Goddess LogoPicture this: you just met this gorgeous person who seems to be feeling you. You make your move, and it works. The two of you go somewhere private to smoke and hook up. You’re already high and forget to use protection.  A week or so later you start feeling a burning sensation when you urinate.

If you’re celebrating more than Sexy Saturdays today, make sure high is all you’re getting! Two common sexually transmitted infections (STIs), Chlamydia and gonorrhea, can sneak up on you. As recently as 2011 in California, 63% of Chlamydia and 48% of gonorrhea cases were among young folks between 15 and 24 years old.[1] Many of whom likely had these infections without any symptoms.

Though caused by different bacteria, these STIs have quite a bit in common like how they are transmitted, their symptoms, and more. Chlamydia and gonorrhea are transmitted in multiple ways including through unprotected vaginal, anal, or oral sex when a person’s mucous membranes come into contact with the infected vaginal fluids, semen, or pre-ejaculate of another person. Yes, that means you can get these infections in your throat! Sadly, they can also be transmitted from an infected woman to her newborn duringss16 gonorrhea childbirth.

Like a thief in the night, Chlamydia and gonorrhea are often silent and have no symptoms in men and women. Unfortunately, that tends to be truer for women than for men. You guessed it, when symptoms are present they’re alike too! When symptoms are present they may include frequent urination, abnormal discharge, pain in lower abdomen, painful urination or sex. If left untreated these STIs may lead to tissue scarring, possible infertility, and other serious health conditions.

Similarities between Chlamydia and gonorrhea don’t stop there.  The good similarities are that these infections have the same testing, are often curable with antibiotics, and are easy to prevent. Given the silent nature of these STIs it is super important to get tested and know your status. Most tests of Chlamydia and gonorrhea are done through urine sample or cultures, which may or may not be collected during a pelvic exam.

If you’re ever diagnosed with having Chlamydia or gonorrhea, you can often take antibiotics and be cured. Though recently there have been some strains of gonorrhea that are resistant to current antibiotic options. It is important to complete all antibiotic treatment even if symptoms are no longer present. Think of yourself as being on “time out” because sex is off-limits while being treated.

The only way to completely prevent Chlamydia and gonorrhea infections is by abstaining from vaginal, anal, and/or oral sex. That may be harder to do than you think. If you are sexually active like me you can decrease the risk of getting these STIs by using condoms properly during vaginal and anal sex, and mouth to penis sex. If you’re having mouth to vulva, or mouth to anus sex use dental dams. Feel free to add flavored lube to sweeten the oral experience.

Because you can be re-infected with both Chlamydia and gonorrhea you want to get tested for STIs regularly, like every 6 – 12months. Encourage your partners to do the same. Until next Saturday…

Keep it safe ‘n sexy,

Ms. Robin, the Sex Goddess

Have a topic or question you’d like me to address in a future Sexy Saturdays article? Send it to me at RMills@sexucation.org.



[1] CA Department of Public Health, STD Control Branch, 2011. http://www.cdph.ca.gov/data/statistics/Pages/STDDataTables.aspx

 

Jan 12

Sexy Acts Map

Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2013 in Sexy Saturdays

     Ms. Robin, Sex Goddess Logo  Welcome back to Sexy Saturdays. Last week, when I suggested one of the ways to make safer sexy in 2013 is blabbing to your friends about the safer sex you just had, some of you were probably thinking I’m crazy. You may be right, but the suggestion was certainly sincere. A couple of months ago, one of my colleagues at UC Berkeley sent me an email about a safer sex social norms campaign that was sex positive and freaking awesome. I’ve been thinking about it ever since!

      Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest launched Where did you wear it mapa campaign to increase safer sex use among college students by encouraging them to plot their sexy acts on a map. Their friends, peers, or anyone, can then search the map and see how much safer sex is happening around them. How clever is that? I had to check this site out. Luckily for me, I’ve recently had safer sex.   

      The WhereDidYouWearIt.com site is cute, a bit plain – but still cute. There is a condomish looking “check-in” link that takes you to a brief survey. The questions are simple and easy to answer. There’s a “trans” option under gender, which is nice to see. After completing the short survey you can view a summary of your sexy act on the map. If you check my neighborhood, I’m the only one there. For now, I hope. I’d LOVE to see that other people are having safer sex in my neck of the woods!

     My only suggestion would be to add an option under the “I use condoms…” reason tab that says something like “to prevent unintended pregnancy and STIs.” Both options are there but you have to choose one or the other. Overall, I really like this campaign and hope that other people start using it to blab to their friends and neighbors all about the safer sex they just had! If you want to increase your sexy in 2013 let others know about your safer sex at, http://www.wheredidyouwearit.com/.

Keep It Safe and Sexy,
Robin, the Sex Goddess

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